Divorce due to Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

Countless studies and various statistics have validated the importance of a stable and loving relationship between both the parents in a child’s life and the adverse impact of a divorce. However, extramarital affairs and infidelity being the leading indication of divorces in the present scenario, it’s important to evaluate and explore the implications of this class of divorce as far as the children are concerned. Do these divorces have a graver impact on the emotional make up and worldview of the affected children? This is the issue that this article attempts to deal with.

As per the present framework, commitment is an inherently implied and unwritten norm in a marriage. Even the children sense these values like commitment, dependability and loyalty and derive their strength from it. For them, these values, ultimately, translate into and signify ethics and honour. Also, children consider their parents as role models. Thus, a breach in this pledge of faithfulness by one of the parents could have serious ramifications in terms of the effect it could have on the relationship between the child and the cheating parent and the relationship of the child with the external world.

Guilt: Children, like animals, are more sensitive to the subtle changes in the routine of the family and exchange of affections and may be the first ones to discover that one of their parents is having an affair. They are caught up in a dilemma whether to tell the other parent and either way, tend to hold themselves responsible for the outcome. If they keep it a secret and the subsequent revelation to the innocent partner leads to a divorce, they may be guilty and conscience stricken for withholding the secret. Similar is the case if their exposure or disclosure ends up in a broken marriage.

Child psychology certainly can’t be approached with a set of rules and a standard mathematical progression of events and consequences. A much broader perspective is needed as each child is unique and each situation is different. The impact may also vary depending upon the age of the child, the number of siblings the child has and the support system surrounding the child such as family, friends and counselors such as those at school and teachers. Sympathy with the innocent parent coupled with their own guilt feelings about the possible role they may have played in this divorce may cause them to become very docile, well behaved and always trying to please. This behaviour which is initially for their parent subsequently gets ingrained into their psychological framework and may lead to difficulties in their adult life. Professionally, they have difficulty standing up for themselves and may end up being victims of abuse due to their very nature.

Anger: Anger is the usually the first reaction which is directed at the unfaithful parent as compared to compassion for the other. If, after the divorce, the cheating parent marries the person with whom the affair happened, the child may express anger which is usually to conceal the hurt and the feeling of abandonment and being rejected for someone else. This is especially common in adolescents and teens that are old enough to understand the reasons behind the divorce and are, infact, starting to come to terms with their own sexuality. At this stage, if one of the parents is sexually promiscuous, this would set up a bad example before children who try to emulate their parents. They might be embarrassed to talk to their friends and people around them about the reason their parents broke up and these bottled up feelings and frustration could drive them towards bad company, crime, drugs and promiscuity. However, if the help of professional counselors is sought or they are fortunate to have a trustworthy person in their life which could be a friend, a relative or a guide, they may escape this crisis by learning to understand, accept and forgive.

Younger children are easier to deal with and, unless, the image of their parent is tainted by the suffering parent, they continue their unbiased relationship with the cheating parent. They may even get comfortable with their step-parent and regard them as a part of the family. However, this may not happen in every case and the child may continue to blame his or her parents for taking away the comfort and stability of a home and family from him and forcing him or her to deal with changes in life that customarily form a part of the divorce, be it a change of residence or school or giving up some of the comforts due to financial strain that the child was earlier used to.

This has been noticed and observed that the behaviour patterns of their parents are often repeated by their children. Boys who end up hating their father for infidelity to their mothers end up being unfaithful themselves. Girls could end up being skeptical and suspicious and could have trouble adjusting with their partners later on.

All the lessons that the children learn when their parents’ divorce due to infidelity necessitate following certain principles such as hiding the unnecessary details from the children, yet, making them a part of the divorce process and making them guilt free and providing them with professional help so that these lessons do not have to be necessarily negative. These lessons can be positive also in order to give them a broader and wider understanding of the complexities of this world.