Madeline Albright’s tips to reduce Vaginal Flatulence

Madeline Albright was the United States Secretary of State under Bill Clinton. She was succeeded by Colin Powell. Chalmers Johnson wrote a national bestseller about Madeline Albright and Colin Powell called “Blowback: The Costs and Consequences of American Empire”. Blowback is like revenge. When you slaughter hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians for no reason it is only a matter of time before they show up in New York City with suitcase nuclear bombs.

Madeline Albright just released her own book called “The Mighty and the Almighty: Reflections on America, God and World Affairs”. Bill Clinton wrote the introduction. Madeline Albright is a devout Catholic with Jewish roots who was born in the Czech Republic and attended the Emily Post School of Good Manners. Here is what Madame Secretary has to say about reducing the often embarrassing condition of vaginal flatulence:

“There has been a lot of hot air coming from the direction of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in recent years. Laura Bush confided in me that her bush is neither burning nor silent. Vaginal flatulence plagues hundreds of millions of women worldwide. Laura Bush confided in me, “I thought it was embarrassing enough being married to George. Now I have to deal with this. I have an appointment next week with Doctor Khristine Eroshovich. How could I discuss this with a male psychiatrist?”

“So I gave her a few simple tips to reduce vaginal trumpeting. I told Laura that during intercourse she should play extremely loud jazz music preferably by Louis Armstrong. It’s bad enough when your husband begins retching violently but when the secret service agents at your bedroom door begin laughing uncontrollably it certainly compounds the shame.”

“Vaginal flatulence is when air escapes from the vagina during sexual intercourse. It is odorless as it normally does not originate in the colon. The question is how does the air get into the vagina in the first place and how do you prevent it? The worst is regular flatulence simultaneously occurring with vaginal flatulence. If you suffer from this condition “Multi Flatulence” or “MF” it may be a good idea to abstain from pre marital sex.”

“Drinking through straws draws air into the gut and this must be avoided at all costs. Take no options off the table. Cruciferous vegetables such as cabbage, broccoli, beans, tofu and brussel sprouts cause gas. If your daughter refuses to eat her brussel sprouts she may not be all that wrong. It is helpful to do regular Kegel Exercises, use water based lubricants and do not put your rear end up on a pillow. Try spreading your legs wider or keep them closer together. Avoid doggy style. Like most things in life if it feels great it’s bad for you.”

“During sexual intercourse air is pumped into the vagina by the penis moving in and out. It is helpful if the man uses shorter thrusts. It is even more helpful if the man has a shorter penis. Size does matter but not in the way you thought.”

“During Bill Clinton’s 1992 Presidential campaign Gennifer Flowers announced that she had had a 12 year affair with Bill Clinton. She backed it up with tape recordings of her and Bill having intimate phone conversations and the testimony of two Arkansas police officers who were former bodyguards of Governor Clinton. Hillary Clinton ran to every television station, magazine and newspaper to call Gennifer Flowers a liar, that Bill had never had sexual relations with Gennifer Flowers. Gennifer Flowers described the President’s penis as very small. This has been a blessing in disguise for Hillary Clinton. I realize that Hillary Clinton is the most naive woman in America but I support her run for President because I feel sorry for her.”