Now I understand all those strange emails

                                                                                         

Every hour of the day, my inbox fills up with a depressing pile of emails. Despite the best efforts of various states around the world to shut down spam networks and the filters I have in place, I still get messages which read, “I am contacting you to seek your good assistance to transfer and invest USA 19.9 million belonging to my late father which is deposited in a bank in Abidjan. Following the brake out of the war, almost all government offices, operations and prostates were attacked and vandalized.” I know my prostate often feels like it has been vandalized. But, ignoring the spam, even the messages from people on my approved mailing list can still fall into the twilight zone where the place is here and the time is now, but the words somehow have had their meaning twisted into something terrible as they traveled through the internet.

Which all neatly brings us to a recent report in the journal titled Sleep Medicine. Over the years, the urban mythology of sleepwalking has been developing at a rapid pace. Responsible academic periodicals and journals have been reporting that people will rise from their beds and live a shadow version of their waking lives, preparing and eating food, driving their cars and, it seems, having sex (a strangely unmemorable activity for at least one of the partners). Newspapers, magazines and internet sites have not been slow to jump on the bandwagon, identifying all kinds of different things people can and should do while asleep. But the academics are really getting out in front of the curve with this latest story. This is the first report in a supposedly credible journal that documents a person sending emails while asleep.

This online addict went to bed early. An hour or so after falling asleep, she went into the next room, switched on her PC, entered the password, and sent three fragmentary and not really coherent messages. This is complex behavior. Making a sandwich is not quite the same as using keyboard and mouse skills to find the email package and compose messages. It demonstrates habit patterns can be so ingrained that, even while asleep, hand-to-eye co-ordination and some use of language remain available. What puts the urban myth icing on the cake is that this woman was using ambien. So, at a stroke, we now have a new word for our dictionaries. This is zzz-mailing. But instead of this being an email that sends us to sleep, it’s an email sent while you’re asleep. So, here’s the final world of advice to all you spammers. Instead of burning the midnight oil to create all these fake messages, buy ambien, go to bed at the usual time and wake to find you’ve sent out three new messages. Either way, you will make as much sense and have the same chance of a reply. For the rest of you, remember to warn all the people on your email list when next you plan to take ambien. You never know, you may end up married or divorced depending on what your subconscious writes while you’re sleep.

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